I just feel this crushing, overwhelming sadness. I want to reach out, I want to communicate with my friends. Yet, I can't. My bff is at work and I am not comfortable with dragging anyone else into my situation. I have been trying very very hard these last two weeks not to get worse but I can't help it. I have a dr. appt at 2:30 on Monday so hopefully by Tuesday I will be on antidepressants, but those take 4-6 weeks to work so it won't change anything in the immediate future. I stayed home sick today, I think I have a sinus infection or something. There was another bomb threat today (this makes #4 in a week) and the students were sent home at 1:30. Our whole school is going to be on no bag, restricted movement procedures for the rest of the whole year which is ridiculous. How am I supposed to last six more weeks of this crap without even a bag to put my wallet in? Everyone is suffering, but I am suffering more than the average teen at my school right now because my coping skills are so fucked. The slightest thing causes me to break down and cry. I just want to be better, I just want to be happy...
My friends are slowly admitting to me that my constant depressive mood and texting them when I am upset bothers them and they feel like I am beginning to become a burden. This does not help my state. I know that it sounds harsh but I don't blame them, I'm absolutely no fun to be around anymore. I just need someone to talk to me, and to be there every minute of every day. I just can't have that, it's not practical. I need to find that someone who just lights up my life and makes everything better. I thought I did, but he just doesn't know how to talk to me when I am upset, and I need that. I need someone to hold my hand through this, or I won't make it. I am an empty shell of the person I once was. I am pathetic. I feel like the only people that care about me are the ones who are to busy to help. I want to be better so damn badly. I don't know when that is going to even start to happen....
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