Saturday, May 26, 2012

A dark spot

I have felt ok the last week, but still not "good". My anxiety is high right now. Yesterday was my orchestra's spring trip. We went to Baltimore! We left the school at 6AM and in two and a half hours we were there. On the way we had donuts and bagels. I'd never eaten so many at once! Everyone pigged out.  The first thing we did in Baltimore was a masterclass with a really attractive guy from the Baltimore Symphony. At around 11:30 we boarded the Spirit of Baltimore for a lunchtime cruise. It was so much fun! There was a buffet and we all ate ridiculous amounts of food. We were on the cruise until 2pm, at which point we went through the Baltimore Aquarium. It was nice, but I personally like zoos better. After that, we went to a cool candy store and browsed. We had dinner at Uno Chicago Grill, which was amazing! We had something set up where they put a big plate of salad, sliders, chicken tenders, pasta, and fries on each table and refilled them when we wanted more. Everything was prepaid so it was nice not having to carry money around. They gave us each a chocolate chip cookie for dessert, which was nice. Everyone at this point was sooooo full. We went to the Baltimore Symphony concert next. They played the entire Beethoven Nine symphony, and some other stuff. We didn't get out of the concert hall until 10pm, and the bus was lost or something so we didn't leave until 11. I got home at 1am, showered, and SLEPT. Woke up at 11AM today. 

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The last week

The last week was incredibly busy. Monday I had a crapton of homework and I had to stay after school for a meeting about volunteering at the local carnival called May Days. Tuesday I had quartet practice until 3:30, and then at 4:30 until 7 I had to play for our district's retiring teacher's banquet. They fed us but it was still a pain in the butt because I had to rush home and change into concert dress and then come back. Wednesday was busy because from 6-9 I had my dress rehearsal for my spring orchestra concert. That night I did not sleep well so I stayed home Thursday. I had my concert on Thursday from 6:30 to about 10. Things went well, Mr. Mishler said that it was the best he has ever heard me play :) Friday I didn't get home until 7:30 because straight after school I was volunteering for the carnival thing. It was ok, just sweeping up other people's garbage all night. Saturday I didn't volunteer but I was there from 4ish to 10. There were fireworks at the end which were pretty cool. I went to DQ with the ex boyfriend and he ate the curl off my chocolate dipped cone! I was so mad, who does that?! but anyway, today I went to a graduation party. It was alright. Right now I'm feeling ok but I'm quite tired. I'll post more tomorrow!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Struggling every minute

I feel like I am struggling harder and harder every day. For the last three days my whole body has just ached. I've been having migraines again because of the stress of school and everything, and my eyes just hurt all the time. I am really lost right now. I just...I can't find a reason for ME to go on; all my reasons are because of other people. I only keep going because of the people that rely on me. Not because I don't want to miss out on life, but because I don't want to make anyone else's life any harder. It's gotten to the point where all I have to look forward to are the fun events in my life, like prom and parties. If one isn't right around the corner, I am just....a mess. Every day I want to just wall myself up again and close all my doors for communication. My friends are growing visibly tired of my depression and so are my teachers. Even though so much is going right for me, I just can't appreciate it. I feel like everyone is against me and that I don't matter. I feel like if I just vanished, no one except my close friends and family would even care. I cry myself to sleep every single night and my sleep is ridden with nightmares and terror. I wake up sweating, sometimes screaming. I never sleep through the night anymore. Even when talking to the new crush I can't seem to put a smile on my face. The prozac hasn't started working yet but I can feel the side effects. I feel emptier than I used to. It almost makes me want to just say fuck medication and go right back to feeling terrible all the time. I just hurt so much and I'm so confused. My attention span has plummeted and so has my tolerance for others. I feel like every move is a personal attack on me, even though most of everything is just a little teeny weeny thing that has nothing to do with me. I would do anything for a hug and a phone call right now. But I don't feel worthy enough to call anyone anymore....

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Prom 2012

Last night was my second prom with Chris. I had an amazing time. I started getting ready at one and was ready by four. The hair in the pictures is actually fake, believe it or not. My hair wasn't long enough to really do anything with so I had clip in extensions put in. I did my hair myself, and the pic doesn't really do it justice, but it looked amazing! At 5pm Chris and his mom came to my house for pictures. After that, we drove to my friend Jeremy's house to pick up Mel and him. Then we were off to the banquet hall where prom was being held. We got there and we could see a whole bunch of our friends and teachers :) We went in and checked in, and found our table. For dinner there was baked pineapple ham, chicken breast, amazing potatoes, the best corn in the world, the freshest green beans EVER, baked pasta, all sorts of drinks, and every single dessert in the world. OH and a huge salad bar with the best of everything on it, fresh rolls, etc. Fruit trees, pretzels, peanuts, crackers and spread, punch, everything you could ever want at a 
party. Dinner started at 6:30 and by 7:30 the snack tables were pushed away and the dance floor was ready! Everyone had a great time just being themselves and messing around until 10. I danced almost the whole time, and man can I feel it! I am so tired today. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had gone to an afterparty. When we left, we took home Jeremy and Mel and then Chris dropped me off. I was so tired I showered and went straight to bed! I smelled like sweat, flowers, and hairspray. I woke up this morning and was sad that I have to wait a whole year until I can go again. It was so nice to see all my friends looking amazing, and to dance with them like it didn't even matter how stupid we look. I think Prom is something everyone should experience, it's such a special time, even if your date is just a friend. A whole bunch of couples had a really nice time when the slow songs came on. It's always nice to see people so happy. The memories I make at days like yesterday will last me a lifetime. The laughter, the outfits, the flowers. Everything was just great. It couldn't have gone better, never in a million years.

Sometimes taking it one day at a time rewards you <3

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It's just a daily struggle I will have to get through.

Today has been going OK. Not great, not terrible. I have my frequent moments of despair, but in between there are rare moments of hope for the future. Today I promised to myself that I would allow myself to make mistakes and not beat myself up over everything. Monday night I was on a depression support forum on online just looking to vent to someone anonymously, and I had a very long conversation with a person that really helped me. At one side of the spectrum, he told me the brutal truth and it hurt to hear it, but I was glad he did. Because I didn't know him, there was no bias. He told me his opinion and that was it, and he was right. All the things he said were true. I thought a lot about what he said to me, and I've come to a conclusion. It's not the end of the world if I don't do so hot on an assignment or test as long as I try. It doesn't matter if I make a mistake with something or someone, I can't change what I've done. I made progress today with accepting myself. I allowed myself to make mistakes and I allowed myself to be imperfect. That's all well and good, but every time I try to do this I reach harsh criticism from my teachers, parents, and peers. My art teacher today was lecturing me for not wanting to continue any longer on a pastel painting that I had spent over 20 hours doing. I was happy with the way it looked, and I wanted to move on to something else. Yeah, I was aware that it wasn't incredibly detailed but I'm just not that great with pastels. I tend to smudge them by accident. I tried to not let it get to me but when I am doing something I love, and someone criticizes it, I get hurt really easily. I am so thankful that this person talked to me in my time of need. It brightened my day and gave me the strength and the courage to face the world when I woke up the next morning.

My orchestra teacher is apparently very worried about me. He overheard a conversation I had with a friend in the hallway about not sleeping at night and being sad all the time. When I had my bout of depression last year I had told him about it so he didn't harp on me so much, but this time I left him in the dark. Subconsciously I didn't want to admit a "failure" on my part. He used to be so proud of me for getting over my depression without medication, and here I am, part of the Prozac nation. I wish I didn't need to take it but I really didn't have another choice. I've only taken it two days so far so it is completely impossible to see if it is helping. I sure hope it does, that would make my life so much more tolerable. I wish I could tell my teacher how terrible I have been feeling lately but I'm not really sure how...I don't like to see him worried. He's a teacher, he shouldn't get worried about me, right? There I go again, devaluing myself as a person.

I am still having my depressing thoughts, and my crushing anxiety. I am getting over a massive cold, so I have been tired all the time. I want to feel happy so badly  it hurts me. I want to reach out to everyone but no one seems to want to talk to me, really. I have prom on Friday and I am so nervous. I have to be around people and I will probably have to explain to someone why I take prozac if they see me sneaking away to have my meds given to me by one of the teachers. I can't have it on my person I guess. I can see why lol. They don't want kids running around handing out adderal and xanax to all their friends. Well, I am starting to get more depressed, and I don't feel like typing any more. I'm out. Peace.

Monday, May 7, 2012

a new step

Well, today was a step in the right direction. School went ok. My biology teacher was a little irritated that I missed her class again, but after all the crap on Thursday with the bomb threat and me having the flu and all, I needed Friday to myself. She says I miss too much school, and she is right, but I don't want her to chastise me for it. I had to be picked up early to go to my appointment at 2:30. We didn't get in right away but once we did it was right down to business. We talked for a little bit to a nice woman who apparently gives most of the prescriptions out, and she decided Prozac would probably be best for me. My mom was worried about the side effects involving increased risk of suicide and whatnot, but honestly, me being unmedicated is probably a higher risk for that. I got the prescription sent over and my mom just got home with it. It's a low dose, but the dr said she can always raise it if we need to. I am excited to be happy again, after a few years of suffering all the time. Hell, at $4 a prescription, if Prozac is the magic that will help me get better, I don't even care. It's worth five times that. It's worth ten times that. Yeah, after this month I might have to have my prescription raised but I just don't care. It will help me be happy and that is all I want. My parents have finally accepted that I'm not going to get better on my own, and I love it. Sure, I still feel overwhelmingly sad and anxious.

But now I have help.

Friday, May 4, 2012

There is a lot going through my head right now.

I just feel this crushing, overwhelming sadness. I want to reach out, I want to communicate with my friends. Yet, I can't. My bff is at work and I am not comfortable with dragging anyone else into my situation. I have been trying very very hard these last two weeks not to get worse but I can't help it. I have a dr. appt at 2:30 on  Monday so hopefully by Tuesday I will be on antidepressants, but those take 4-6 weeks to work so it won't change anything in the immediate future. I stayed home sick today, I think I have a sinus infection or something. There was another bomb threat today (this makes #4 in a week) and the students were sent home at 1:30. Our whole school is going to be on no bag, restricted movement procedures for the rest of the whole year which is ridiculous. How am I supposed to last six more weeks of this crap without even a bag to put my wallet in? Everyone is suffering, but I am suffering more than the average teen at my school right now because my coping skills are so fucked. The slightest thing causes me to break down and cry. I just want to be better, I just want to be happy...

My friends are slowly admitting to me that my constant depressive mood and texting them when I am upset bothers them and they feel like I am beginning to become a burden. This does not help my state. I know that it sounds harsh but I don't blame them, I'm absolutely no fun to be around anymore. I just need someone to talk to me, and to be there every minute of every day. I just can't have that, it's not practical. I need to find that someone who just lights up my life and makes everything better. I thought I did, but he just doesn't know how to talk to me when I am upset, and I need that. I need someone to hold my hand through this, or I won't make it. I am an empty shell of the person I once was. I am pathetic. I feel like the only people that care about me are the ones who are to busy to help. I want to be better so damn badly. I don't know when that is going to even start to happen....

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Having a rough night.

There is just this overwhelming, crushing need to be wanted, to be appreciated, to be feel important. I'm just feeling worthless right now.

I am so ungodly tired of the bomb threats.

Last Thursday I was absent from school. I got a call about 4pm or whatever saying that there was a bomb threat and that the next day we were going to have our bags sniffed by the bomb dogs. Fine, whatever. wait in a huge ass line to have my shit sniffed. I don't care. 2pm Friday, twenty minutes until dismissal, they tell us on the PA system that there was a second threat found and that Monday we were not going to be allowed to have any sort of bag including purses, lunch boxes, or backpacks. Also, only one bathroom per sex would be open on each floor, we have to sign in to use it, one at a time, and a teacher watches the entrance and checks the bathroom after we leave. I waited 20 minutes to go to the bathroom, it was ridiculous. Tuesday, same deal. no bags, limited bathroom access. Wednesday, allowed to have bags, still limited bathroom access. Everything went great.

Oh, Thursday. why do you always have to be a pain in my ass?

Thursday, I was supposed to leave at 10:45 to go into the city and play a concert at noon with my string quartet. This had been planned for several months. At 10:30, an announcement was made on the PA system telling us to stay where we were. Shortly after, our school was evacuated and put into our football stadium. I lost it. I couldn't stop cursing and crying. The school would not let me go and play this amazingly important concert all because of a hoax bomb threat. I called my mom and she, like about 800 other parents, picked her child up and took me the fuck home. I got home at noon, and collapsed. It was too late to go play the concert. The concert was canceled. Not even rescheduled....It was the only thing I had been looking forward to at all. This whole last month I had just wanted to die, and the concert kept me going. Now, all I have to look forward to is prom, which might not even happen because of all of the bomb threats and shit. We are going to be on limited movement with no bags for pretty much the rest of the year at this point. I can't stand it. I had a breakdown Monday because of the restrictions. I can't play this game any longer.

Fuck you, bomb threat person.
and fuck you Exeter.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I am struggling.

I am not afraid to say it. I am tired of struggling. I want to be able to wake up and not completely dread every single interaction I will have with people throughout the day. Even my "best" friends are starting to just become people that are annoyed with me. No one wants to talk to someone that is this depressed, especially if I bring up something they did that bothers me. No, my "friends" would much rather ignore all their problems away and hope for the best. Anyway, let's not talk about them., I can't change them and I don't know how they feel because I'm not in their head. I can not upkeep relationships well on a good week, let alone this long stretch of horrible that I am living in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have my own opinions and wish to voice them. I'm sorry I expect to be respected. I'm sorry that I want the best for you. I guess being a true friend is a crime nowadays. You'll see, in a year, this phase will have passed and restarted with someone else. The fastest growing friendships are always the shortest with you. You will realize this soon enough. Today I thought to myself how I can make you "happy" in the short term. 

  1. I will not voice my opinions if they are contrary to someone elses. This only leads to deeper feelings of inferiority on my part.
  2. I will not let myself be offended by my friend completely disregarding her health, my sanity, and our friendship.
  3. I will not call my friend out on lying to me about important things.
  4. I will not try to prevent my friend from repeating past destructive behavior. 
  5. I will not speak to my friend about my true feelings, because apparently they don't matter anyway.

This is why I don't have good relationships.

That whole list is bullshit. EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what a true, genuine friend should do; yet it seems to be what my "friend" is looking for. Do you want me to silence myself? Do you enjoy knowing that our friendship is harming me? Are you even aware that the only reason I deal with you is because I know you'd be lost without me? Oh, I know, you deny that, up until the point comes where you realize I've been suicidal for weeks and am deteriorating rapidly." Oh, you can't leave me!" you say. "I couldn't go on without you!" you cry out. Well, answer me this...

If I am so God damned important to you, why do you not take my advice? Every time you have EVER disregarded my advice it has bitten you in the ass.

my therapist says I have very good people skills. The problem is, I don't, because other people's people skills suck so badly that whenever I am a "true" friend I get bitched at for it. 

Oh, and Mel, if you ever see this, I hope you remember all those times I was there for you when NO ONE else was. I could have dropped you as a friend a long time ago.

You don't even appreciate how much I have sacrificed for you, only to have you bitch at me for trying to help you. One day you will need me and I will NOT be there.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

inside my head

I am Christianna.

 I am 15 years old and I have two brothers in college, a little sister, and a dog. I live with my parents and my sister in Reading, PA. For my entire life I have always felt different from all of the people I meet. In all of the friendships I have ever had, I try so hard to be a leader, but when something would happen or there would be an argument, I would always end up blaming myself no matter what the situation and let myself be completely stepped on. I feel like I have to accommodate other people's needs at all times, even if my own needs are being completely ignored. I don't like to speak out. Deep down I feel like every single person on this earth is better than me. I have ok grades, mostly A's with a few B's sprinkled in there, and I take honors classes. I just...I constantly feel like other people are more important than me. Birthday parties are centered around what the guests would enjoy instead of what I want. Everything in my life is centered around gaining other people's approval. Everything. I tell myself I don't care what other people think, and to a certain extent I don't, but with my close friends and family, I am constantly trying to make them happy. This normally would not be a problem, but a lot of the times I forget what them being happy takes. My parents don't expect perfect grades and my friends don't expect amazing presents, but subconsciously I feel like they do. In my mind, they deserve the best and I am far from it. I have been told by hundreds of people how special I am and how important and loved I am, but it just doesn't stick. For some reason, in my brain, something goes wrong when I get into any sort of communication with someone. My conversations revolve around trying to please them, and if I ever talk about myself for more than a few minutes, I feel extremely guilty. To be completely honest I have little self worth. I see my friends and family as way more important than myself. No amount of therapy helps. I have been talking about my feelings with my friends for years, but before a few years ago I never would. When I think about things I feel like there is too much going on in my head to comprehend. I have problems concentrating in class because there are drawings and poems and music and stories floating around in there that never have a chance to come out, because I feel that all my work is inferior. Sometimes my feelings of inferiority are magnified by the criticism that I receive from friends, family, and teachers, even if it was meant to be constructive. Every teeny ounce of criticism I get is taken negatively no matter how hard I try not to let it bother me. Hell, even compliments are assumed insults to me. If someone says my hair looks nice today, all I can think about is "well does that mean I look like crap every day they don't say this to me?" When I get a compliment in orchestra on improving a certain piece I can only think about how long I've been making the same mistakes and how much better the person sitting next to me is. It's like....the opposite of seeing through rose-colored glasses. I see myself as completely undeserving of everything I have. This isn't just something I am typing because I had a bad day. I had a bad day, for a lot of reasons, but the things I am saying are true even on my best days. I am completely unable to establish and maintain healthy, open relationships with any person, regardless of age or gender. I am a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and a backstabber. I have little control over things I say and do. I complain a lot. When I complain, my mind runs 1000 miles a minute telling me how much of a worthless whiny brat I am. I make poor choices every day that I don't even want to make, I just can't control myself.  I try and tell my therapist about my feelings and my feelings of inferiority stop me. I am treatment resistant. I lie to my therapist just so I don't have to admit that there is something going on. 

I feel like a prisoner in my life, always wanting more but being too afraid to look for it.

I have been a very negative, dramatic, and impulsive person for as long as I can remember. That's It's not normal; it's not healthy. I just don't know any different. I don't know what it is like to be truly happy and appreciate myself. I have never received a compliment and been able to accept it. I want to get better, I really do. I just don't know how. I am set to be evaluated for antidepressants sometime in the next week. I am actually afraid of how I will feel because it will be so different. In my life, one side of my brain is screaming for attention, but the other have tells me I don't deserve it. Every day I cycle back and forth between horribly depressed and "ok", and when I feel ok I can function. When I am depressed, nothing works out. I fail tests no matter how long I studied the week before. I get irritated at the slightest thing, and cry at everything. My perception is that people treat me differently, but I know my perception of the world is altered. It is hard to see sometimes if what I see happening around me is what really happens, or just a skewed version that my brain conjures up. I could look at someone exactly the same as me that I did not know and I would see her as more beautiful. Her grades would seem so much better, her jokes funnier...her teeth straighter. All I see is my imperfections.

I do not value myself the way I should.

I have a history with self injury and drug abuse. I want the best for everyone around me yet I seem not to give a shit about what happens to me. Everything I am saying sounds horribly exaggerated right now, but it isn't. This is how I really feel, and it's not easy. It's really hard to wake up in the morning and feel like crap every day, and be so deeply depressed over nothing in particular. It is so hard to see people in worse situations than mine thriving while I sit here and suffer, it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. I have tried blogging before, but I think my mental deterioration has just gotten to the point where it really helps to just type it all out. To not have to explain to someone again why  I don't like getting compliments, to just let my hands do the explaining for me. I have panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, and prolonged periods of emotional disturbance that I can only describe as terrifying. My thoughts sometimes get so negative that I think about all the ways I am messed up and what I "deserve". I wonder sometimes what would be handed to me as a diagnosis if I was completely honest with my therapist and my therapist took me seriously. sometimes it scares me. I don't want to be labled crazy. I know I'm not normal, and I hate it. I just don't want other people to treat me like I'm diseased or something...

I wish people would just cut me some slack, and realize that I don't mean to be so negative and mean all the time. I really hate the way I act. I do. I try so hard to change it, I promise. I'm just not successful. I may not ever truly understand why my thoughts are so different than that of my peers, but I'm not sure I want or need to. I want my peers to accept me, but more importantly, I want to learn how to accept myself. And that, my friends, is something that I can only handle one day at a time.