Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I am struggling.

I am not afraid to say it. I am tired of struggling. I want to be able to wake up and not completely dread every single interaction I will have with people throughout the day. Even my "best" friends are starting to just become people that are annoyed with me. No one wants to talk to someone that is this depressed, especially if I bring up something they did that bothers me. No, my "friends" would much rather ignore all their problems away and hope for the best. Anyway, let's not talk about them., I can't change them and I don't know how they feel because I'm not in their head. I can not upkeep relationships well on a good week, let alone this long stretch of horrible that I am living in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I have my own opinions and wish to voice them. I'm sorry I expect to be respected. I'm sorry that I want the best for you. I guess being a true friend is a crime nowadays. You'll see, in a year, this phase will have passed and restarted with someone else. The fastest growing friendships are always the shortest with you. You will realize this soon enough. Today I thought to myself how I can make you "happy" in the short term. 

  1. I will not voice my opinions if they are contrary to someone elses. This only leads to deeper feelings of inferiority on my part.
  2. I will not let myself be offended by my friend completely disregarding her health, my sanity, and our friendship.
  3. I will not call my friend out on lying to me about important things.
  4. I will not try to prevent my friend from repeating past destructive behavior. 
  5. I will not speak to my friend about my true feelings, because apparently they don't matter anyway.

This is why I don't have good relationships.

That whole list is bullshit. EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what a true, genuine friend should do; yet it seems to be what my "friend" is looking for. Do you want me to silence myself? Do you enjoy knowing that our friendship is harming me? Are you even aware that the only reason I deal with you is because I know you'd be lost without me? Oh, I know, you deny that, up until the point comes where you realize I've been suicidal for weeks and am deteriorating rapidly." Oh, you can't leave me!" you say. "I couldn't go on without you!" you cry out. Well, answer me this...

If I am so God damned important to you, why do you not take my advice? Every time you have EVER disregarded my advice it has bitten you in the ass.

my therapist says I have very good people skills. The problem is, I don't, because other people's people skills suck so badly that whenever I am a "true" friend I get bitched at for it. 

Oh, and Mel, if you ever see this, I hope you remember all those times I was there for you when NO ONE else was. I could have dropped you as a friend a long time ago.

You don't even appreciate how much I have sacrificed for you, only to have you bitch at me for trying to help you. One day you will need me and I will NOT be there.

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