Monday, May 14, 2012
Struggling every minute
I feel like I am struggling harder and harder every day. For the last three days my whole body has just ached. I've been having migraines again because of the stress of school and everything, and my eyes just hurt all the time. I am really lost right now. I just...I can't find a reason for ME to go on; all my reasons are because of other people. I only keep going because of the people that rely on me. Not because I don't want to miss out on life, but because I don't want to make anyone else's life any harder. It's gotten to the point where all I have to look forward to are the fun events in my life, like prom and parties. If one isn't right around the corner, I am just....a mess. Every day I want to just wall myself up again and close all my doors for communication. My friends are growing visibly tired of my depression and so are my teachers. Even though so much is going right for me, I just can't appreciate it. I feel like everyone is against me and that I don't matter. I feel like if I just vanished, no one except my close friends and family would even care. I cry myself to sleep every single night and my sleep is ridden with nightmares and terror. I wake up sweating, sometimes screaming. I never sleep through the night anymore. Even when talking to the new crush I can't seem to put a smile on my face. The prozac hasn't started working yet but I can feel the side effects. I feel emptier than I used to. It almost makes me want to just say fuck medication and go right back to feeling terrible all the time. I just hurt so much and I'm so confused. My attention span has plummeted and so has my tolerance for others. I feel like every move is a personal attack on me, even though most of everything is just a little teeny weeny thing that has nothing to do with me. I would do anything for a hug and a phone call right now. But I don't feel worthy enough to call anyone anymore....
Posted by Christianna at 5:44 PM