Tuesday, May 1, 2012

inside my head

I am Christianna.

 I am 15 years old and I have two brothers in college, a little sister, and a dog. I live with my parents and my sister in Reading, PA. For my entire life I have always felt different from all of the people I meet. In all of the friendships I have ever had, I try so hard to be a leader, but when something would happen or there would be an argument, I would always end up blaming myself no matter what the situation and let myself be completely stepped on. I feel like I have to accommodate other people's needs at all times, even if my own needs are being completely ignored. I don't like to speak out. Deep down I feel like every single person on this earth is better than me. I have ok grades, mostly A's with a few B's sprinkled in there, and I take honors classes. I just...I constantly feel like other people are more important than me. Birthday parties are centered around what the guests would enjoy instead of what I want. Everything in my life is centered around gaining other people's approval. Everything. I tell myself I don't care what other people think, and to a certain extent I don't, but with my close friends and family, I am constantly trying to make them happy. This normally would not be a problem, but a lot of the times I forget what them being happy takes. My parents don't expect perfect grades and my friends don't expect amazing presents, but subconsciously I feel like they do. In my mind, they deserve the best and I am far from it. I have been told by hundreds of people how special I am and how important and loved I am, but it just doesn't stick. For some reason, in my brain, something goes wrong when I get into any sort of communication with someone. My conversations revolve around trying to please them, and if I ever talk about myself for more than a few minutes, I feel extremely guilty. To be completely honest I have little self worth. I see my friends and family as way more important than myself. No amount of therapy helps. I have been talking about my feelings with my friends for years, but before a few years ago I never would. When I think about things I feel like there is too much going on in my head to comprehend. I have problems concentrating in class because there are drawings and poems and music and stories floating around in there that never have a chance to come out, because I feel that all my work is inferior. Sometimes my feelings of inferiority are magnified by the criticism that I receive from friends, family, and teachers, even if it was meant to be constructive. Every teeny ounce of criticism I get is taken negatively no matter how hard I try not to let it bother me. Hell, even compliments are assumed insults to me. If someone says my hair looks nice today, all I can think about is "well does that mean I look like crap every day they don't say this to me?" When I get a compliment in orchestra on improving a certain piece I can only think about how long I've been making the same mistakes and how much better the person sitting next to me is. It's like....the opposite of seeing through rose-colored glasses. I see myself as completely undeserving of everything I have. This isn't just something I am typing because I had a bad day. I had a bad day, for a lot of reasons, but the things I am saying are true even on my best days. I am completely unable to establish and maintain healthy, open relationships with any person, regardless of age or gender. I am a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, and a backstabber. I have little control over things I say and do. I complain a lot. When I complain, my mind runs 1000 miles a minute telling me how much of a worthless whiny brat I am. I make poor choices every day that I don't even want to make, I just can't control myself.  I try and tell my therapist about my feelings and my feelings of inferiority stop me. I am treatment resistant. I lie to my therapist just so I don't have to admit that there is something going on. 

I feel like a prisoner in my life, always wanting more but being too afraid to look for it.

I have been a very negative, dramatic, and impulsive person for as long as I can remember. That's just....me. It's not normal; it's not healthy. I just don't know any different. I don't know what it is like to be truly happy and appreciate myself. I have never received a compliment and been able to accept it. I want to get better, I really do. I just don't know how. I am set to be evaluated for antidepressants sometime in the next week. I am actually afraid of how I will feel because it will be so different. In my life, one side of my brain is screaming for attention, but the other have tells me I don't deserve it. Every day I cycle back and forth between horribly depressed and "ok", and when I feel ok I can function. When I am depressed, nothing works out. I fail tests no matter how long I studied the week before. I get irritated at the slightest thing, and cry at everything. My perception is that people treat me differently, but I know my perception of the world is altered. It is hard to see sometimes if what I see happening around me is what really happens, or just a skewed version that my brain conjures up. I could look at someone exactly the same as me that I did not know and I would see her as more beautiful. Her grades would seem so much better, her jokes funnier...her teeth straighter. All I see is my imperfections.

I do not value myself the way I should.

I have a history with self injury and drug abuse. I want the best for everyone around me yet I seem not to give a shit about what happens to me. Everything I am saying sounds horribly exaggerated right now, but it isn't. This is how I really feel, and it's not easy. It's really hard to wake up in the morning and feel like crap every day, and be so deeply depressed over nothing in particular. It is so hard to see people in worse situations than mine thriving while I sit here and suffer, it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. I have tried blogging before, but I think my mental deterioration has just gotten to the point where it really helps to just type it all out. To not have to explain to someone again why  I don't like getting compliments, to just let my hands do the explaining for me. I have panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, and prolonged periods of emotional disturbance that I can only describe as terrifying. My thoughts sometimes get so negative that I think about all the ways I am messed up and what I "deserve". I wonder sometimes what would be handed to me as a diagnosis if I was completely honest with my therapist and my therapist took me seriously. sometimes it scares me. I don't want to be labled crazy. I know I'm not normal, and I hate it. I just don't want other people to treat me like I'm diseased or something...

I wish people would just cut me some slack, and realize that I don't mean to be so negative and mean all the time. I really hate the way I act. I do. I try so hard to change it, I promise. I'm just not successful. I may not ever truly understand why my thoughts are so different than that of my peers, but I'm not sure I want or need to. I want my peers to accept me, but more importantly, I want to learn how to accept myself. And that, my friends, is something that I can only handle one day at a time.

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