Saturday, May 26, 2012

A dark spot

I have felt ok the last week, but still not "good". My anxiety is high right now. Yesterday was my orchestra's spring trip. We went to Baltimore! We left the school at 6AM and in two and a half hours we were there. On the way we had donuts and bagels. I'd never eaten so many at once! Everyone pigged out.  The first thing we did in Baltimore was a masterclass with a really attractive guy from the Baltimore Symphony. At around 11:30 we boarded the Spirit of Baltimore for a lunchtime cruise. It was so much fun! There was a buffet and we all ate ridiculous amounts of food. We were on the cruise until 2pm, at which point we went through the Baltimore Aquarium. It was nice, but I personally like zoos better. After that, we went to a cool candy store and browsed. We had dinner at Uno Chicago Grill, which was amazing! We had something set up where they put a big plate of salad, sliders, chicken tenders, pasta, and fries on each table and refilled them when we wanted more. Everything was prepaid so it was nice not having to carry money around. They gave us each a chocolate chip cookie for dessert, which was nice. Everyone at this point was sooooo full. We went to the Baltimore Symphony concert next. They played the entire Beethoven Nine symphony, and some other stuff. We didn't get out of the concert hall until 10pm, and the bus was lost or something so we didn't leave until 11. I got home at 1am, showered, and SLEPT. Woke up at 11AM today. 

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The last week

The last week was incredibly busy. Monday I had a crapton of homework and I had to stay after school for a meeting about volunteering at the local carnival called May Days. Tuesday I had quartet practice until 3:30, and then at 4:30 until 7 I had to play for our district's retiring teacher's banquet. They fed us but it was still a pain in the butt because I had to rush home and change into concert dress and then come back. Wednesday was busy because from 6-9 I had my dress rehearsal for my spring orchestra concert. That night I did not sleep well so I stayed home Thursday. I had my concert on Thursday from 6:30 to about 10. Things went well, Mr. Mishler said that it was the best he has ever heard me play :) Friday I didn't get home until 7:30 because straight after school I was volunteering for the carnival thing. It was ok, just sweeping up other people's garbage all night. Saturday I didn't volunteer but I was there from 4ish to 10. There were fireworks at the end which were pretty cool. I went to DQ with the ex boyfriend and he ate the curl off my chocolate dipped cone! I was so mad, who does that?! but anyway, today I went to a graduation party. It was alright. Right now I'm feeling ok but I'm quite tired. I'll post more tomorrow!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Struggling every minute

I feel like I am struggling harder and harder every day. For the last three days my whole body has just ached. I've been having migraines again because of the stress of school and everything, and my eyes just hurt all the time. I am really lost right now. I just...I can't find a reason for ME to go on; all my reasons are because of other people. I only keep going because of the people that rely on me. Not because I don't want to miss out on life, but because I don't want to make anyone else's life any harder. It's gotten to the point where all I have to look forward to are the fun events in my life, like prom and parties. If one isn't right around the corner, I am just....a mess. Every day I want to just wall myself up again and close all my doors for communication. My friends are growing visibly tired of my depression and so are my teachers. Even though so much is going right for me, I just can't appreciate it. I feel like everyone is against me and that I don't matter. I feel like if I just vanished, no one except my close friends and family would even care. I cry myself to sleep every single night and my sleep is ridden with nightmares and terror. I wake up sweating, sometimes screaming. I never sleep through the night anymore. Even when talking to the new crush I can't seem to put a smile on my face. The prozac hasn't started working yet but I can feel the side effects. I feel emptier than I used to. It almost makes me want to just say fuck medication and go right back to feeling terrible all the time. I just hurt so much and I'm so confused. My attention span has plummeted and so has my tolerance for others. I feel like every move is a personal attack on me, even though most of everything is just a little teeny weeny thing that has nothing to do with me. I would do anything for a hug and a phone call right now. But I don't feel worthy enough to call anyone anymore....

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Prom 2012

Last night was my second prom with Chris. I had an amazing time. I started getting ready at one and was ready by four. The hair in the pictures is actually fake, believe it or not. My hair wasn't long enough to really do anything with so I had clip in extensions put in. I did my hair myself, and the pic doesn't really do it justice, but it looked amazing! At 5pm Chris and his mom came to my house for pictures. After that, we drove to my friend Jeremy's house to pick up Mel and him. Then we were off to the banquet hall where prom was being held. We got there and we could see a whole bunch of our friends and teachers :) We went in and checked in, and found our table. For dinner there was baked pineapple ham, chicken breast, amazing potatoes, the best corn in the world, the freshest green beans EVER, baked pasta, all sorts of drinks, and every single dessert in the world. OH and a huge salad bar with the best of everything on it, fresh rolls, etc. Fruit trees, pretzels, peanuts, crackers and spread, punch, everything you could ever want at a 
party. Dinner started at 6:30 and by 7:30 the snack tables were pushed away and the dance floor was ready! Everyone had a great time just being themselves and messing around until 10. I danced almost the whole time, and man can I feel it! I am so tired today. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had gone to an afterparty. When we left, we took home Jeremy and Mel and then Chris dropped me off. I was so tired I showered and went straight to bed! I smelled like sweat, flowers, and hairspray. I woke up this morning and was sad that I have to wait a whole year until I can go again. It was so nice to see all my friends looking amazing, and to dance with them like it didn't even matter how stupid we look. I think Prom is something everyone should experience, it's such a special time, even if your date is just a friend. A whole bunch of couples had a really nice time when the slow songs came on. It's always nice to see people so happy. The memories I make at days like yesterday will last me a lifetime. The laughter, the outfits, the flowers. Everything was just great. It couldn't have gone better, never in a million years.

Sometimes taking it one day at a time rewards you <3

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It's just a daily struggle I will have to get through.

Today has been going OK. Not great, not terrible. I have my frequent moments of despair, but in between there are rare moments of hope for the future. Today I promised to myself that I would allow myself to make mistakes and not beat myself up over everything. Monday night I was on a depression support forum on online just looking to vent to someone anonymously, and I had a very long conversation with a person that really helped me. At one side of the spectrum, he told me the brutal truth and it hurt to hear it, but I was glad he did. Because I didn't know him, there was no bias. He told me his opinion and that was it, and he was right. All the things he said were true. I thought a lot about what he said to me, and I've come to a conclusion. It's not the end of the world if I don't do so hot on an assignment or test as long as I try. It doesn't matter if I make a mistake with something or someone, I can't change what I've done. I made progress today with accepting myself. I allowed myself to make mistakes and I allowed myself to be imperfect. That's all well and good, but every time I try to do this I reach harsh criticism from my teachers, parents, and peers. My art teacher today was lecturing me for not wanting to continue any longer on a pastel painting that I had spent over 20 hours doing. I was happy with the way it looked, and I wanted to move on to something else. Yeah, I was aware that it wasn't incredibly detailed but I'm just not that great with pastels. I tend to smudge them by accident. I tried to not let it get to me but when I am doing something I love, and someone criticizes it, I get hurt really easily. I am so thankful that this person talked to me in my time of need. It brightened my day and gave me the strength and the courage to face the world when I woke up the next morning.

My orchestra teacher is apparently very worried about me. He overheard a conversation I had with a friend in the hallway about not sleeping at night and being sad all the time. When I had my bout of depression last year I had told him about it so he didn't harp on me so much, but this time I left him in the dark. Subconsciously I didn't want to admit a "failure" on my part. He used to be so proud of me for getting over my depression without medication, and here I am, part of the Prozac nation. I wish I didn't need to take it but I really didn't have another choice. I've only taken it two days so far so it is completely impossible to see if it is helping. I sure hope it does, that would make my life so much more tolerable. I wish I could tell my teacher how terrible I have been feeling lately but I'm not really sure how...I don't like to see him worried. He's a teacher, he shouldn't get worried about me, right? There I go again, devaluing myself as a person.

I am still having my depressing thoughts, and my crushing anxiety. I am getting over a massive cold, so I have been tired all the time. I want to feel happy so badly  it hurts me. I want to reach out to everyone but no one seems to want to talk to me, really. I have prom on Friday and I am so nervous. I have to be around people and I will probably have to explain to someone why I take prozac if they see me sneaking away to have my meds given to me by one of the teachers. I can't have it on my person I guess. I can see why lol. They don't want kids running around handing out adderal and xanax to all their friends. Well, I am starting to get more depressed, and I don't feel like typing any more. I'm out. Peace.

Monday, May 7, 2012

a new step

Well, today was a step in the right direction. School went ok. My biology teacher was a little irritated that I missed her class again, but after all the crap on Thursday with the bomb threat and me having the flu and all, I needed Friday to myself. She says I miss too much school, and she is right, but I don't want her to chastise me for it. I had to be picked up early to go to my appointment at 2:30. We didn't get in right away but once we did it was right down to business. We talked for a little bit to a nice woman who apparently gives most of the prescriptions out, and she decided Prozac would probably be best for me. My mom was worried about the side effects involving increased risk of suicide and whatnot, but honestly, me being unmedicated is probably a higher risk for that. I got the prescription sent over and my mom just got home with it. It's a low dose, but the dr said she can always raise it if we need to. I am excited to be happy again, after a few years of suffering all the time. Hell, at $4 a prescription, if Prozac is the magic that will help me get better, I don't even care. It's worth five times that. It's worth ten times that. Yeah, after this month I might have to have my prescription raised but I just don't care. It will help me be happy and that is all I want. My parents have finally accepted that I'm not going to get better on my own, and I love it. Sure, I still feel overwhelmingly sad and anxious.

But now I have help.

Friday, May 4, 2012

There is a lot going through my head right now.

I just feel this crushing, overwhelming sadness. I want to reach out, I want to communicate with my friends. Yet, I can't. My bff is at work and I am not comfortable with dragging anyone else into my situation. I have been trying very very hard these last two weeks not to get worse but I can't help it. I have a dr. appt at 2:30 on  Monday so hopefully by Tuesday I will be on antidepressants, but those take 4-6 weeks to work so it won't change anything in the immediate future. I stayed home sick today, I think I have a sinus infection or something. There was another bomb threat today (this makes #4 in a week) and the students were sent home at 1:30. Our whole school is going to be on no bag, restricted movement procedures for the rest of the whole year which is ridiculous. How am I supposed to last six more weeks of this crap without even a bag to put my wallet in? Everyone is suffering, but I am suffering more than the average teen at my school right now because my coping skills are so fucked. The slightest thing causes me to break down and cry. I just want to be better, I just want to be happy...

My friends are slowly admitting to me that my constant depressive mood and texting them when I am upset bothers them and they feel like I am beginning to become a burden. This does not help my state. I know that it sounds harsh but I don't blame them, I'm absolutely no fun to be around anymore. I just need someone to talk to me, and to be there every minute of every day. I just can't have that, it's not practical. I need to find that someone who just lights up my life and makes everything better. I thought I did, but he just doesn't know how to talk to me when I am upset, and I need that. I need someone to hold my hand through this, or I won't make it. I am an empty shell of the person I once was. I am pathetic. I feel like the only people that care about me are the ones who are to busy to help. I want to be better so damn badly. I don't know when that is going to even start to happen....